Lesson not a Loss

Lesson not a Loss.

Not a Loss, a lesson.

Lesson can never be a loss.

Can never be a loss if it’s a lesson.

I’m dating, and its wild.

For 17 years I was in a committed and loving relationship.

In many ways it is still committed and still loving, its just not a marriage anymore.

I’m often asked, are you friends with your x and the answer is a resounding

Yes.

But he is not my best friend, he is much more like family.

He is the father if my child, a good person, and always there when I need him.

And I am there when he needs me.

We have lived apart for almost 3 years, and while on occasion we irritate each other,we are almost always cool, and we ALWAYS put our child first.

On this we have agreed almost since the very first day when I told him I wanted a divorce.

If you asked what happened, it was not any one thing, but a mountain of incidents and patterns of behavior with no change in sight.

One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, and I played out my future and my sons future in my mind.

What would my life look like in 5, 10, 20, 30 years if we stayed together?  That wasn’t my life.

I had stopped living to my potential, and I couldn’t reach it with him around my ankles.

I started writing poetry.

I actually didn’t even realize how resolved I was until I ended one of my first poems with, “And I want a divorce.”

I read it to him.  All he replied was “Your mean.”

But once those words were audible, I knew that was what I wanted and there was no going back.

The word Divorce is like a gun, you should never pull it out unless you are prepared to pull the trigger.

To know me is to know I hate paperwork and bureaucracy, and so while we have been separated for almost 3 years, there are no immediate plans to sign paperwork anytime soon.

He has the healthcare, I have the clubs, we have a boat, I pay him money, our child is happy, we are happy.

I do have to remind him that we are not getting back together.

I know that it must be confusing for him, because life is very much the same as it was for almost 2 decades . . . though we are not sleeping together and haven’t in over 3 years.  People are always curious.

I’d like for him to get a girlfriend, he would be happier.  He has a lot of love to give, and deserves to recieve it as well, just not from me.

And just because I don’t speak about all the reasons why I left, doesn’t mean they weren’t real.

He has tried more recently to recognize his patterns and be more considerate of me, that is nice.

All of this is to say, that after 17 years of being locked down, monogamous, its a whole new world for me.

I never cheated on him, and that was never the issue.

Trust is a non negotiable, and once it is lost or broken, it can never be fully mended.

Best to never loose it.

Unless you have a discussion and an open relationship is cool with both partners, you can’t cheat on your partner.

Those are the rules.

All my life I have been loved.  Its a blessing, but it also leaves me somewhat at a disadvantage for this stage in life.

I was loved as a baby, and a girl.

My high school boyfriend loved me, my college boyfriend loved me, and then my husband loved me.

I don’t know what it is to be un-loved, but I am finding it out with rapidity.

It’s a mindset shift.

Oh, what do you mean you don’t find everything I do to be enchantingly charming, marvelous, and forgivable?

I have a healthy ego, but one should.

My dating strategy follows the “Fail Fast, fail forward, fail better” mantra of silicone valley, and I somewhat stoically believe everything is a numbers game, even love.

Best thing to get over someone is under someone, but don’t confuse this with sex.

I am careful and cautious with my body, I have never done one night stands and have no intention of starting now.

Sooooooo, I have been failing.  There haven’t been a lot of men, but there have been a couple, and if you asked them what those first months of talking to me were like . . .  well they would defiantly roll their eyes and start muttering.

But, if you can make it past all my “behavior” and pushing away, then the one who has would tell you I am quite pleasant and easy to be around.  We aren’t dating, but there is friendship, respect, and compassion for the human condition of loneliness.

But those first months . . .

I am getting to know what the men in the DMV area all about.  Finding a 40+ single, never been married, no kids, is not as hard as you might think, and I’d most certainly tell you to approach with caution.

I’ll leave it at that.

My dating behavior is a bit chaotic, but it is intentional.

If you are even and respectful and don’t trigger me, you will receive even and respectful, but if you play games, I am reactive.

I want to see how you will treat me at my worst.

I want to see what your fallback defense is.

I want to see what happens when your buttons are pushed.

I want to see what happens when you think you have me hopelessly in love.

I’m not particularly interested in playing hot and cold or enduring intermittent reinforcement.

While this activates certain levels of dopamine, and can achieve the result of attraction and obsession, it is not what I am looking for in a relationship.

I am looking for someone interesting and extraordinary enough that the superficiality of games is a waste of time.

Recently, I had an opportunity to go all in.  Shoot for the moon, shoot for love.

I didn’t hit, but I learned a lot.

I lost control of the power dynamic, but was reminded, I don’t want to be with a person who is regulated by ambiguity.

He revealed himself as a liar and a manipulater, and while the chemicals in my body still crave his attention, my brain doesn’t want anything to do do with that.

He lied to me, played games with me, withheld crucial information and broke my trust on several occasions.

I have delayed processing, so it took a little while for me to recalibrate, the old heart body v head dilemma.

What I find most offensive is that he thinks loosing a liar and manipulator is a loss, it is not.  It is a lesson.

Rare as love may seem, I have already had it 3 times over and know that men who are honest, decent, respectful and accomplished do exist.

If I wanted to be with just anyone, that would be each, but I want an equal, or even more wishful, someone who pushes me to keep growing.

It’s just for me to Fail Fast, fail forward, fail better, then succeed.

So, if you want to date me.  I am dating, but I expect honesty, integrity, and passion, and if you trigger me, I’m likely to be on my worst behavior for a minimum of three months.  Consider notice given.

P.S. Married men need not apply.  Unless of course you are separated and living in separate households or have a permission slip.  I am learning to live in the grey.